


All I Want for Christmas...

by lod



Series: Souyo Secret Santa 2018 [3]
Category: Persona 4
Genre: Christmas Presents, M/M, Shadows (Persona Series)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-09-25 20:12:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17127980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lod/pseuds/lod
Summary: For Souyo Secret Santa 2018. Prompt was "Souji wants to get Yosuke something nice for Christmas, so he consults with Shadow Yosuke/Jiraiya to find out what he really wants."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ZippyElly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZippyElly/gifts).



> Sorry, Zippy, I didn't get around to finishing this last one so you just get a first chapter for now. I'll try to get it done before the end of the holidays! :)

November and December hadn’t been easy months for Yu and the rest of Inaba. Now that they’d beaten Adachi and gotten rid of the fog, though, the holiday spirit that had been lacking seemed to finally be here. Yu wasn’t thrilled about Dojima and Nanako still being in the hospital, but at least they seemed to be doing well, so he was forcing himself not to stress over it and to enjoy the season.

What he _was_ stressing over, at the present time, was what to get everyone for Christmas. It wasn’t a huge holiday, so he would be forgiven if he chose not to get anyone other than Nanako a gift, but his friends had done so much for him this year and he wanted to express his appreciation for them in a concrete way. Which had seemed like a great plan, until he realised that Christmas was in six days and he had _absolutely no idea_ what to get anyone.

At least he didn’t have to worry about Nanako and Dojima; he’d had their presents ready for a few days already. For Nanako, Yosuke had suggested a Junes apron from his previous uniform grown too small; Yu had just had to adjust its size to fit her. He’d also gotten her some cute Magical Detective Loveline bowl and spoon set. For Dojima, he’d ordered some new slippers since his were falling apart, and high-end coffee; fairly safe gifts, but likely to please the practical man.

His first attempt resulted in a fruitless evening spent searching for ideas on the internet. He was pretty sure none of the girls would appreciate being given face masks, except perhaps Rise — but she probably already had all she wanted or needed; nor did leather wallets seem like the correct way to say “thanks for fighting besides me” to Kanji and Yosuke. These gendered gift lists he kept finding could only be described as entirely unhelpful.

His walk through the shopping district the next morning was no more helpful — the stores were already rather picked over this close to the holidays, and unless he wanted to give away books or swords, there weren’t a whole lot of choices anyway.

His last hope of finding inspiration in Junes was cut short by Teddie running into him and trying to be "helpful" by sticking to his side unrelentingly. Yu finally had to buy some groceries to justify his presence and head home, still present-less.

It was later that day, after he'd prepared lunch to share, that he was struck by a wild idea. He’d been considering heading out to visit Margaret for a chat and a distraction, when he realised that Personas, being manifestations of one’s inner self, would know exactly what to get their wielders. If he just asked them, he’d be sure to make his friends happy.

There was an obvious problem with that, which was that generally, you could only communicate with your own Persona, not somebody else's — but Yu was a bit of an exception to that rule. He wasn’t sure if it was a gift from the Velvet Room to help him lead his team more efficiently, or if it had something to do with the social links he'd built, but the end result was that he could somewhat sense his friends' Personas in the TV world.

It wasn’t like his own Personas; he could command them but they couldn’t reply clearly. What they could do instead, was send him... emotions. Images. Like trying to speak to someone in a different language, all miming and suggestions. It wasn’t much, but at this point, he figured anything would help…

 

Yu hesitated to put his plan into action at first. They’d all agreed never to go inside the TV alone, and he didn’t like betraying his teammates’ trust — even if he knew he’d be perfectly safe, since he wasn’t planning to go any farther than the backlot. However, he was also very aware that if he didn’t make up his mind _today_ it’d be too late to order anything online, and he was still completely blanking on what to get. His friends would understand, right? He was basically doing this for them, so they couldn’t complain.

Conscience as appeased as it was likely to get, Yu made his way to the electronics department later that evening and, after carefully checking for Yosuke and Teddie, jumped in.

He landed easily on the balls of his feet, finding the backlot oddly quiet without his friends there. The blue door to the Velvet Room shimmered in a corner, and the various paths to previously explored regions were still visible winding off into the distance, but he felt no immediate danger. Settling comfortably against the stack of TVs that were his way home, he closed his eyes and reached out.

 

The first Persona he called on was Himiko. He was used to talking to her directly via Rise,so he figured she would be the easiest to communicate with. She came easily to him, filling his mind with her usual aura — bright pink, cheerful, with an undercurrent of confusion.

 _Hello, Himiko_ , Yu thought in her direction, trying to put her at ease. _I've got a special request for you tonight._ Eagerness rushed through him; Rise’s Persona, like Rise herself, was always happy to help him. _I want to buy Rise a gift, but I need help figuring out what she wants._

The confusion grew for a moment then faded, replaced by cheerful glee. Images started flashing behind Yu's eyes. Colors swirled, blurry at first before they resolved into a clearer picture — a paint set? Himiko confirmed it when he asked, adding paint brushes, landscapes, portraits. Yu smiled to himself. Rise was more than some fashion-obsessed idol, and those who didn’t realise it were missing out on the best parts of her. He was keen to see what works of art she’d create with her gift; maybe he could even ask to pose for her…

The next few Personas didn’t give him much trouble either. Konohana Sakuya’s images of scarves appearing and disappearing, of bunnies and top hats and wands, were a clear request for something related to magic tricks. He thought he’d seen a beginner’s kit at Junes that would do, although he did question whether it was really a wise decision to put that in Yukiko’s mischievous hands.

Tomoe, for her part, sent waves of sadness and a heart-rending cracking sound. Yu was surprised — he hadn’t realised she was _that_ heartbroken over her snapped Trials of the Dragon DVD — but at least it would be a simple gift to find.

Kanji was easy to read as well; Take-Mikazuchi seemed embarrassed about it, but the black and white images of a detective movie Yu’d seen in his childhood were crisp and clear. Naoto must have told him about this movie, that or he was planning to see it with her; either way, it left Yu grinning. He was nearly certain Naoto returned his bleach-blond friend’s feelings, as was the rest of the team. The only doubt that remained was that of when they’d finally manage to confess to each other. When Rise had started the betting pool, Kanji’s obviousness had led Yu to pick a very early date, around late January, but after the last few months he was beginning to think Yukiko had it right when she chose the latest option of them all — somewhere in the middle of college.

He called up Sukuna-Hikona next, and his first images gave him newfound hope for his chosen date; the scarf Naoto wanted, thick and hand-knit with an understated but intricate pattern, was lovely, but he wasn’t the right person to be giving it. He told Naoto’s Persona as much, and while he sulked, made a mental note to find a way to slip Kanji the hint. His next request, a leather holster for her gun, seemed more appropriate; he figured Daidara should be able to make a gift-worthy one.

Kintoki-Douji was hard to understand at first. There were images of dinner, of Nanako, Yosuke and himself and even of Dojima, all wrapped in a warm, happy mood. It took Yu some time to figure it out — what Teddie was asking for wasn’t food. It was family. He felt his own chest warm as he realised that he was included in that. Teddie could be a bit much sometimes, struggling as he did to find his place in the human realm, but at the core he was truly a good person. That he had managed to create this personality for himself despite his origins as a shadow only made him more admirable. Yu decided to get him a board game and invite him and Yosuke over to play with Nanako during the break.

He’d left the hardest for last; not because it was hard to talk to Jiraiya, quite the opposite, but because that was the gift he most wanted to get right. He had so much to thank Yosuke for, from the way he’d instantly adopted him as a best friend, to his relentless support in the TV world. No material item could really be enough, but he had to at least try.

Settling back, he reached out for the familiar Persona… and got only silence in response. That was strange; all the others had come so willingly, and Jiraiya was usually the one he found easiest to contact apart from Himiko. Shuffling through his bag, he grabbed a can of TaP and downed it; he was beginning to feel a little drained after talking with everyone else, so maybe he just needed that extra boost. However, when he tried again, there was still silence in his head.

He was beginning to get worried now; he could figure out a gift on his own, but the absence of Yosuke’s Persona seemed like a bad sign. He worried something might have gone wrong. He was trying to decide whether to go check on Yosuke or to ask Margaret if she knew anything, when there was the slightest whisper on the edge of his consciousness. It wasn’t words so much as a pull, like someone had a thread tied around his chest and was tugging, very lightly but insistently, in a particular direction.

He grabbed his sword from where they’d stashed their weapons, figuring they’d never need them again, and followed the sensation, wondering where it would lead him.

The path was familiar, and before long he found himself standing in front of the gaping red vortex that led into the liquor store. There was no doubt in his mind now that this was related to Jiraiya’s disappearance; this was where they’d met Yosuke’s Shadow, after all. He knew it was foolish to even _think_ of going in alone. However, he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving without doing anything. Something was wrong, something involving his best friend, and he was damned if he wasn’t going to try fixing it.

There was another reason for him to go in right now, alone as he was. He had a strong suspicion of what he’d find inside that store, and he knew Yosuke would never forgive him if he showed that to anyone else. Bringing Yosuke himself was out of the question; he’d already had to to do this once, Yu wasn’t going to make him do it again.

He finally settled for writing a short note on a scrap piece of paper, which he left pinned to the store’s outside wall with a small knife so anyone who came looking would know he’d gone in, before drawing his sword and stepping into the swirling vortex.

* * *

It was dark and musty inside, but the voices that had filled the room the last time were gone. In their absence, the liquor store felt even more ominous. Yu crept around carefully, his usual calm fraying in the menacing atmosphere. It was almost a relief when he finally heard the scrape of a shoe against the floorboards behind him.

When he turned, sword at the ready, Yosuke’s Shadow snickered. He was leaning against the bar, unmistakable with his bright yellow eyes as he swung one foot back and forth against the ground.

“Hello, partner,” he said in that awful voice Yu had forgotten. The contemptuous disdain it dripped with was entirely out of place coming from his best friend’s mouth. “I hear you’re looking for Christmas present ideas.”

The Shadow moved, or at least Yu assumed he must have since he was now sitting on a cask next to him, but it had gone so fast the only sign of motion was the slight breeze making papers in the room flutter. Yosuke had been fast from the very beginning and had only gotten faster as the year went on; it appeared that speed had carried over to his Shadow. Yu hoped very hard that their encounter didn’t end in a fight, because he wasn’t sure he would come out ahead just now.

He was distracted thinking of what Personas he had with him, of the fact that he hadn’t even put on armor to come here, when he felt his sword go flying out of his hand. He looked up in surprise to see the Shadow smirking.

“We already fought once, didn’t we? That’s more than enough. I’m only here to help.”

Yu glanced over at his sword, but it was too far to reach. He gulped. This was definitely looking worse; now he couldn’t physically defend himself. All he had left to rely on were the Personas currently with him, which weren’t the best suited to defend against Yosuke’s strengths. It had been entirely foolish of him to come here alone, he now realised. Yosuke wouldn’t have wanted him to risk death just to protect some rejected thoughts. His last hope was to somehow manage to talk the Shadow out of a confrontation.

“Why are you here?” he blurted out.

He realised only too late that as far as non-confrontational openings went, it wasn’t a great one. He couldn’t resist his curiosity, though. Shadows were defeated, turned into Personas, and then never seen again. That was how it had been for every instance over the past few months. So why was this one back?

Yosuke had seemed fine over the last few days, smiling and joking as usual — but then again, he’d been that same sunny self back in April too despite Saki, hadn’t he? It had taken Yu a long time before they’d gotten to the point where he’d held a crying Yosuke in his arms on the riverbank. Yosuke was excellent at hiding his feelings.

Not only that, but now that he thought about it, Yu realised Yosuke had been a little strange over the past few weeks. Nothing particularly worrying — until you added it all up. Distant looks. Conversations started, and then abandoned with a carefree “nevermind, it’s nothing.” Meals unfinished. Small, quiet signs, but from Yosuke, who’d been an open book to Yu ever since they’d met, it should have rang the loudest alarm bells. Something inside of Yu clenched at the thought that he’d failed to notice his best friend was hurting.

“...Is it about Saki?”

Yosuke’s Shadow stretched and jumped off the barrel. “Oh no, not at all.” He walked closer, his gait almost feline — predatory, smug. Dangerous. “We’re _more_ than over her, don’t worry about that.” He stopped, less than an arm’s length away from Yu. “Nevermind why I’m here. _You_ wanted to know what to get us for Christmas. Well, I know exactly what we want.”

The Shadow was looming over Yu now; for all that Yosuke was shorter than him, his Shadow could project a very believable impression of height. Yu looked into burning yellow eyes and couldn’t suppress the urge to take a step away. When his back hit the shelf behind him, the Shadow laughed.

“We want _you_.”

Yu blinked, confused. What was that even supposed to mean?

“Oh, don’t act coy,” the Shadow sneered as he pushed closer to Yu. “You know what I mean. We want to hold your hand, to comb through your hair, to press our lips against yours, our tongue in your mouth and sometimes when it’s late and he’s particularly desperate more than just your mouth —”

Yu had been frozen as the Shadow spoke but now he couldn’t take this anymore, couldn’t let his best friend’s face speak like this anymore — not because he was bothered by what it was saying, but these were private thoughts, intimate. Thoughts he shouldn’t be hearing or at least not like this, not from a Shadow self. He wanted to stop and take the time to think about what this meant for him and for their friendship, but that wasn’t the point; right now he needed to protect his friend. He reached for his sword —

And remembered that it was lying a few yards away, so far he would be dead thrice before he could even touch it.

When the Shadow saw his movement, he laughed and slammed a hand against Yu’s chest, pinning him to the shelves. Yu’s fear grew as Yosuke’s Shadow pressed so close he could feel his breath on his face.

“Oh, don’t worry. He’s too much of a coward to ever act on it and therefore, so am I. Anyway, you don’t want to hurt me, do you?”

“Why not?” Yu asked, although it was true — if it transformed into a monster, he’d attack gladly, but he wasn’t sure he had it in him to aim at the lifelike representation of one of his favorite people.

The Shadow dropped his hand and stepped back, freeing Yu to take a deep breath.

“Because we’re still one being. He’s terrified to admit his feelings, so afraid of facing them that I showed up, but he hasn’t come here and outright rejected them, either. If you destroy me, you’ll destroy all the feelings inside of me, too. I get the idea you don’t want to do that.”

“If I killed you, he’d stop wanting me?”

The Shadow scoffed. “Doesn’t it sound so neat and tidy when you put it that way. Yes. He would. He would also lose a little piece of himself, of what makes him Yosuke. Judging by why I showed up, probably a piece of what makes him love.”

That sounded… horrible. Yu knew he couldn’t do that to Yosuke. That meant he’d have to come back with Yosuke so he could officially reject him; and with the rest of the team too, since there was no way Yu could take on the freed form of this Shadow alone.

“I know what you’re thinking. Let’s just do what we did last time, turn me into a monster and kill me. But what do you think will happen to your friendship after you force us to reveal our love for you? Do you really think it’ll be the same?”

Love. Yu noted the word in his mind almost subconsciously, stuffed it in his back pocket to examine in more detail later.

“What do you suggest I do, then?”

“You don’t need to come here anymore, do you? You’ve done what you came for. Just keep Yosuke out, and no one has to fight anyone.”

They _were_ supposed to be done, weren’t they? Jiraiya wasn’t necessary anymore. And yet… Yu couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something even bigger coming. This place, all of the TV world, there was still something so wrong about it. Teddie still complained, sometimes, that it wasn’t how it was supposed to be. And even if it had been he didn’t like the idea of leaving Yosuke like this. What if this rejected part of himself festered like a wound, grew worse until it destroyed all of him?

A tiny voice also whispered more selfish reasons for not wanting to sweep this under the rug. It was foreign, that little voice, a stranger but one that was making a lot of sense just then.

“What if he accepts you?” Yu asked.

“If he accepts me?”

“Yes. What if he accepts the feelings he’s currently rejecting. Will Jiraiya return? Will we still have to fight you?”

“I am Jiraiya regardless of my appearance. But yes, _if_ he did, I would return to the form you know best, and we wouldn’t have to fight.”

Yu’s hopeful mood must have shown on his face, because Jiraiya continued, “What makes you think he’ll ever accept me? There’s a reason I showed up, you know.”

It was true, he couldn’t imagine it’d be easy. He remembered how Yosuke had reacted to Kanji’s steamhouse, saw it in a whole new light. But it didn’t have to be easy. He’d do it anyway.

“I’ll help him. I’ll make him accept it.”

“And how do you plan to do that?”

Yu shrugged. “I’m not sure yet, but I’ll figure it out. Anyway, are you always around here?”

Jiraiya nodded. “I can’t escape this place. That vortex you step through is as impenetrable as a brick wall, to me.”

“I’ll come see you again soon, then.”

Yu was about to step out when a thought struck him.

“Do you get bored in here?”

Jiraiya’s eyes went slitted. “Oh, not at all,” he said sarcastically. “After all, there’s so much to do in a liquor store when you’re a supernatural being that can’t drink.”

Yu reached into his bag and pulled out a book he’d bought earlier, some random new novel from Yomenaido. “Can you read?”

Jiraiya still seemed suspicious, but he reached for the book. “You’re giving me this?”

Yu nodded.

“What’s in it for you?”

“You’re a part of Yosuke, and I care about him,” he said, turning back to leave. Behind him, Jiraiya scoffed, but it didn’t sound like he was very upset.


	2. Chapter 2

Yu left off thinking about the encounter as long as he could after he got home, making dinner with Nanako and helping her with an art project, then organising his room and finishing up the last cranes for his next shipment. It wasn’t until he finally sat down at his desk to make a shopping list for all the presents he had to get that he was finally forced to face what had happened. Yosuke had a Shadow again. Yosuke had a Shadow because _he liked Yu_ , and Yu really didn’t know what to think about that.

The scene in the liquor store ran through his mind as he got ready for bed, getting no less confusing for the repetitions. He couldn’t think of any signs he might have missed. Sure, they spent all their time together, they often had sleepovers, they were frequently draped all over each other, but they were best friends. Lack of boundaries came with the territory. And _Yosuke_ , Yosuke with his nurse magazines and his straighter-than-straight sexual orientation, was supposed to like _him_? It made no sense. It wasn’t a possibility he would even have considered before tonight.

It was flattering, in a way.

It was … a bit more than flattering. Yu knew what he ought to do. He should confront Yosuke, tell him that he went into the TV alone — Yosuke would be mad, but he’d forgive him — and explain about his Shadow. Their bond was strong enough to survive that awkward conversation, and with Yosuke aware that Yu knew the truth, he’d have no reason to reject his true feelings anymore. Yosuke would get over his crush, and everything would go back to how it was before.

It was the smart, logical decision, and Yu was a smart, logical person, and it took about half a second for him to realise with absolute certainty that he would not be doing that.

Yu had never really considered whether or not he might be gay. He’d always assumed that once he began to be interested in dating, it would be women; after all, that was the model he’d grown up seeing everywhere. But as his friends had begun to grow more interested in girls, imagining what might be beneath their clothing or how it might feel to kiss them, Yu… hadn’t. It wasn’t that he thought about boys instead; he just wasn’t particularly interested.

He liked the idea of romance in the abstract, in books and movies and songs. Someone you cared about more than anything, someone who cared about you just as much; that seemed wonderful. Cuddles and kisses and hand holding all sounded like very nice activities, too. They’d just never seemed all that tempting with anyone real.

Back in Tokyo, that hadn’t been a big deal. He was just another face in the crowd at school and there was no reason to think he could have gotten a date even if he’d wanted one. That changed when he came to Inaba; for some reason still unclear to him he’d become one of the cool kids here, someone people wanted to hang out with, and inevitably the girls he spent time with would eventually start hinting at confessions which he had — mostly — smoothly managed to sidestep until now.

He had never wondered what it would feel like to run a hand through Yukiko’s black hair. He had never thought about how lovely Ai’s body was, or how nice Chie’s hands might feel in his. That they had expressed interest in him had not made any difference. And yet now, lying in bed attempting to sleep, he found his head filled with the most irrational of thoughts.

_Is Yosuke’s hair soft, or does the dye make it brittle?_

_Are his hands scarred from the knives he fights with? Are they soft or callused, delicate or strong?_

_How would it feel to wrap his arms around that tight, toned waist? Does he have more defined abs now, like Yu does after all these months in the TV?_

_Are his lips chapped or smooth, and how warm would they feel beneath his own?_

Alone in the dark, Yu blushed, but couldn’t control his own imagination.

* * *

The next day, while buying the presents on his list, Yu couldn’t stop thinking about Yosuke. It was weird and foreign, this romantic attraction, but it was no fluke; the broad daylight had not diminished it in any way. It worried him, though. What if it was just curiosity? What if Yosuke was just the closest Yu had ever gotten to anyone, and he was mistaking close friendship for attraction? What if the moment any of it became real, it lost all appeal for him? He could never do that to Yosuke.

He kept chasing his own thoughts in circles all day until he finally finished his shopping and made his way back to Junes and the TV world.

Jiraiya was already there when he entered the store, casually sprawled across the counter reading the book Yu had given him. He carefully marked his page before putting the book aside as Yu walked over.

“So you came back.”

“I told you I would,” Yu replied. “I’ve thought about it, and… I think I like Yosuke too. I mean, you.”

Jiraiya’s expression was mocking. “You _think_?”

Yu sighed. It was foolish of him to expect to find compassion from a Shadow. Despite that, he worded his fears — the fact that he’d never felt attraction like this before, that he wondered if it was real or not — and to his surprise Jiraiya listened attentively. When he was done, the Shadow stood and stalked towards him. Yu felt a twinge of fear as he got closer, but Jiraiya didn’t seem inclined to attack; instead, he stopped right in front of him, and reached out carefully to take his hand. He twined their fingers together, slowly, then reached up with his other hand to brush at Yu’s cheek, his touch burning like fire against his skin.

“How do you feel right now?” he asked in a half-whisper.

Yu’s breath was shallow, and he took a moment to consider the question. He wasn’t, by any description of the word, at ease; every one of his senses felt like it was on maximum alert, and he was excessively aware of every place his skin touched Jiraiya’s. He wasn’t afraid, though — he wanted to push into the touch, to squeeze the hand in his, to reach up and tangle his fingers in that auburn hair… if not for one problem.

“I don’t want to do this unless it’s with all of Yosuke, not just you. But—” he interrupted before Jiraiya could reply, raising a hand— “But, I like it. I want more.”

Jiraiya dropped his hand casually and took a step back.

“There you are, then.”

That sounded like good news, for both of them, so Yu didn’t understand why Jiraiya still seemed unhappy. “Well, problem solved then, right? I’ll just tell him how I feel.”

Jiraiya’s laugh was loud and scornful. “You aren’t the Fool for nothing, are you. You think that’s all it’ll take? That you’ll tell him you like him and suddenly his fear of being ‘weird’ and ‘different’ is gonna disappear and he’ll just throw himself into your arms?”

Yu bit his lip. No, obviously it wouldn’t be that simple. And yet... he couldn’t deny the daydream that came to him, a sweet mutual confession on the roof of the school or maybe at the lookout, and then going home to hang out like they always did but with cuddling in the bargain.

“I guess not,” he replied.

“I _assure_ you not. He hasn’t even consciously accepted that he likes you. If you tell him you like him right now, he’ll reject _you_ , and I doubt even our friendship could survive it.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?”

Jiraiya shrugged. “I dunno. Force him to accept it. Bring him here and hope he’s smart enough not to reject me twice. Convince him to crush on someone else so this issue goes away. Make him fall so much in love with you that he can’t deny it. You figure it out,” he said, and turning on his heel, disappeared.

“Jiraiya?” Yu called out, but there was no reply; it appeared the Shadow was done being helpful for the day. Yu dropped a music magazine he’d picked up in Junes onto the counter, hoping Jiraiya would find it, and returned to his world.

* * *

Yu found himself sitting in his room thinking of Yosuke for the second night in a row. Bringing Yosuke to meet his Shadow still seemed like a terrible idea. Getting him to crush on someone else was painful to even think of. But making him fall so much in love he couldn’t deny it… now that idea sounded doable. Maybe even enjoyable.

So he started planning. He knew he’d have to begin slow and safe; at least they were already very close, so he would have plausible deniability if Yosuke got suspicious. He’d start by taking him on dates; out to the ramen restaurant in Okina, dinner and a movie at his house, a scooter ride together to the beach to go fishing. He’d make him lunch every day at school, and make sure to always spend time with him if he was free. And if all that went well, maybe he could turn it up a little. Sit closer. “Accidentally” brush against his hand. Get more and more physical until Yosuke had to admit to himself that he wanted this.

* * *

Christmas came and went. Yu’s gifts were all as well-received as he’d hoped, even Yosuke’s; he’d ended up getting Daidara to make a miniature replica of his kunai to put on a necklace, and Yosuke was never seen without the necklace afterwards. They traded presents on Christmas Eve, and then Yu’s time was taken up with the return of Nanako and Dojima, so it wasn’t until New Year’s that Yu began putting his plan into action by inviting Yosuke to the shrine with him. 

“I’m not sure how you still don’t have a date, but of course I’ll come with you. Can’t leave my best bro hanging,” Yosuke had replied, and for now that had to be enough.

Yu’s wish was obviously related to his best friend, but he had an easy lie about good health for Nanako and Dojima on hand for when Yosuke inevitably asked what he’d wished for. It came as a surprise, then, that the usually nosy boy stayed silent after their prayer, cheeks a bit more red than the cold really called for and eyes shifty. Yu considered asking what he’d wished for, and then decided the obvious lie he’d get wasn’t worth making Yosuke any more uncomfortable, settling instead for dropping an arm around Yosuke’s shoulders — “for warmth” — and inviting him back home for lunch.

* * *

The dates and lunches proceeded according to plan, and if anyone noticed they were spending even more time together than usual they didn’t say anything about it. Yu found the urge to get closer to Yosuke harder to resist every day. A few weeks later, he gave in to temptation and asked if Yosuke wanted to share a scooter to the beach — “to save gas,” he’d said, his face a perfect mask of innocence.

Yosuke had stared at him for a moment longer than necessary, cheeks reddening, and finally huffed out an awkward laugh.

“Up close and personal, huh?

Before Yu could wonder if he’d pushed it too far and try to laugh off the suggestion as a joke, Yosuke had put his helmet on and sat facing forward, conspicuously leaving enough space for Yu to join him. Yu enjoyed the ride over so much that he began looking for an excuse to leave again as soon as they’d arrived, only interested in getting his arms back around Yosuke. It was a good thing they both wore helmets, as he wasn’t sure he would have resisted the urge to bury his face into Yosuke’s neck otherwise.

* * *

As often as he could, Yu made his way to the TV world to hang out with Jiraiya and see if he’d made any progress. They grew closer as Yu continued to bring books for the Shadow, and then games they played together, music they listened to together, even food — which Jiraiya didn’t _need_ , but that didn’t mean it didn’t taste good, he’d said.

“Why do you treat me so nicely?” Yu asked in the middle of a card game the second week, when he realised the Shadow hadn’t been mean or aggressive towards him since that first day, and that his voice had lost its cutting edge.

Jiraiya looked up, surprised. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“You’re a Shadow? And you weren’t very nice the first time I came.”

They played a few rounds in silence before he answered.

“You don’t treat me like a monster. And I’m predisposed to like you.”

Jiraiya wasn’t willing to help Yu win over Yosuke — he even seemed a little sad when Yu tried bringing it up at first. But he was happy to see Yu, and that was enough. There was only one time when things nearly went badly. Yu and Jiraiya had just finished a large puzzle that had taken a few trips to complete, and in his excitement at finally placing the last piece, Yu pulled Jiraiya into a joyful hug.

It was a mistake. Jiraiya’s eyes flashed and he shoved Yu off so forcefully he fell to the ground, bruising his hip. A sudden gale filled the room, sending the puzzle pieces flying with its force.

“ _Don’t_ ,” Jiraiya growled.

Yu raised his hands apologetically and backed away, remaining on the ground.

“I’m sorry!” he called, more afraid than he’d ever been with Jiraiya since the first day. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

The wind died down, Jiraiya seeming appeased if not happy. “Don’t,” he repeated,” touch me. You said you wanted all of Yosuke, not just me.”

Jiraiya cut him off when he tried to apologize. “I don’t want you to tell me you’re sorry. But I don’t want to be some second-rate stand-in, either.”

Yu didn’t stick around very late, that day.

* * *

Back in the real world, things were progressing well with Yosuke. He didn’t even question Yu sitting on his lap the time they were short a chair at the foodcourt, and if Chie did raise an eyebrow in their direction it only took the mildest shake of his head for her to look away. Yu was reminded, not for the first time, that he truly had made some amazing friends here, and vowed to spend more time with them as soon as he’d confessed to Yosuke; an event which was getting closer and closer, to his combined joy and terror.

The next step, he’d decided, would be to try to get Yosuke to sleep in his futon.

It was a rather wide one, so it wouldn’t be too awkward physically, but it was the symbolism of the thing; if he could get Yosuke to agree to sleep with him, it seemed like it would be a good sign he might accept his confession.

Yu set the stage carefully; while he usually got the guest futon out before Yosuke came over when they were planning a sleepover, this time he left it put away, and kept them busy with homework and games until it was quite late.

He got ready for bed first, and while Yosuke took the bathroom, got himself in bed and turned the lights off. The moon would be bright enough through his open curtains for Yosuke to see by, and Yu couldn’t quite face what he was about to attempt in full artificial light. When Yosuke walked back into the room a few minutes later, Yu faked tiredness, burrowing his face into his pillow.

“Uh, partner?” Yosuke asked quietly. “You forgot to pull out the other futon.”

Yu made a show of yawning and half-blinking open his eyes. It had to look completely fake — he was exhausted, but much too wired over his sneaky plan to be anywhere near asleep.

“‘m too tired,” he mumbled, rolling over to make extra space in his bed. “Just sleep here,” he said, patting the space next to him haphazardly and hoping wildly that his blush wouldn’t be visible in the dark.

For one interminable moment Yosuke stood, hesitating, in the doorway, and then at last he came over, taking a moment to draw the curtains shut. He kneeled carefully by the bed and then crept in with as few movements as possible, laying stiff as a board against the edge of the futon.

Yu was sure his heartbeat could be heard all the way down into the living room, but he couldn’t seem to calm himself down. He could hear Yosuke breathing, could feel the warmth coming off of him, and it took him an eternity to fall asleep.

The next day, they were woken up by Yu’s alarm clock, both bleary-eyed after their late night. Yosuke didn’t seem to realise where he was at first, and when he did he jumped out of bed like he’d been burned. Yu still considered it a success, especially when he kept catching Yosuke’s eyes on him throughout the day, wearing a thoughtful expression that made Yu more hopeful than was reasonable.

* * *

As they sat side by side in the liquor store reading a few days later, Yu asked Jiraiya, “Will you die if he accepts you?”

Jiraiya looked over at Yu, then put his book down.

“Will I? I don’t know. I’ll stop existing as an entity capable of independent thought, yes. But all of you humans, you value your concept of life too much. Does this look like fun?” he asked, waving at the dark and musty space around them. “If Yosuke came here and rejected the part of himself I represent, then I could be my own self. That, I might regret — but I’m not foolish enough to think I would win against the full forces of your team united. Right now, though? All I know is fear and self-denial interrupted only by the few hours of time you spend with me. Would you want to live that way?”

Yu played with a bottle cap that laid on the floor next to him, spinning it around until it went flying too far to catch.

“There’s something I wanted to tell you. I’m going to do it soon. I’m going to confess.”

Jiraiya took in a sharp breath. “You are, are you?”

Yu nodded.

“Well then. Good luck.”

He sounded a bit strange — relieved and yet… unhappy. Yu picked his book back up, but he couldn’t seem to focus on any of the words. He hoped he was making the right decision, but he had known all along this would come down to a leap of faith, and he couldn’t keep pushing it off forever. They’d be going on their ski trip in just a week, and then it would be time for him to go back home all too soon.

* * *

In the end, Yu decided to fall back on his original idea. A picnic at the lookout, with Yosuke’s favorite dishes, some hot tea and a blanket, and then if it all went well, they’d spend the rest of the night at home; Nanako, who’d quickly realised what her big bro was up to and had been extremely supportive all along, had offered to go spend the night at a friend’s house, and Dojima was never home early enough to be a bother.

Yu spent his Sunday morning cooking all the food, packing his bag carefully with a blanket he’d gotten just for the occasion and even making some cake for dessert. Then, with all his preparations done, he made his way back to Jiraiya for what would hopefully be the last time.

He didn’t dance around the subject when he entered the liquor store.

“I’m gonna confess today,” he said. “So I suppose this is goodbye.”

Standing in front of him, Jiraiya looked smaller and sadder than he ever had. It took all Yu had not to step forward and pull him into a hug.

“I know I said this existence wasn’t one worth protecting, but… I’m so afraid,” the Shadow whispered. “Of disappearing. Of losing you.”

Yu bit his lip, the fear in Jiraiya’s voice stabbing straight through his heart. He tried to hold back before giving in, danger be damned, and reaching forward to grab Jiraiya’s hands. The Shadow trembled but didn’t shove him off.

“You won’t lose me,” Yu replied softly, then leaned in to kiss Jiraiya’s cheek. He pulled back to look into his eyes. “I love you, entirely. I love this part of you as much as I love the other parts, and no less. You’ll always have me.”

Jiraiya’s yellow eyes were brimming with tears, yet he smiled at Yu and reached a hand up to the back of his head, tilting their faces together until their foreheads met.

“Don’t let him bring me back a third time, ok?” He crushed Yu in a tight hug before adding, “Take care of us. Please.”

“I promise,” Yu replied, and Jiraiya stepped back, giving him a once-over before taking hold of his shoulders and turning him gently towards the exit.

“Go on, then. Go get us.”

* * *

A few hours later, when Yosuke dropped his cup of tea right over the edge of the lookout and threw himself at Yu so hard he worried they might both go over too, and Susano-o shimmered into life above them, Yu heard Jiraiya one last time. His words were soft as a caress, barely brushing against his mind, and Yu realised he had never heard Jiraiya’s true voice before; it had always been tainted by anger, sadness and fear, but now it shone as bright as its owner did and it was beautiful.

_Thank you, partner._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...is Yu.


End file.
